James Potter and the Art of Seduction
by Padfoot's Blondie
Summary: James decides that Harry needs some advice on how to get girls to fall for him. Because really, who knows better than James Potter?


"Thanks, guys," Harry said to James, Lily, Remus, and Sirius as he stared at their images projected from the Resurrection Stone.

"No problem, son," James replied. As Harry turned to continue on his way to the circle of Death Eaters to face Voldemort, James called him back.

"Wait Harry!" Harry turned around.

"Yeah?"

"Before you go, I just have to ask, do you have a girlfriend?" James asked curiously.

Harry gaped at his father, as did Remus Lily and Sirius. But he decided to answer his dad because, really, when would he get the chance to speak to him again?

"No, I don't," He replied.

James looked shocked. "A strapping lad like you, with no girl?" he asked incredulously while Lily rolled her eyes and Remus and Sirius snorted.

"Harry, I think it's time you and me had a little chat," James said to Harry, leading him over to a rock for Harry to sit on. Harry sat, bewildered, as James began pacing in front of him.

"Now the first rule to getting a girl is to go about it _exactly_ like I did," James began. Harry didn't miss Lily's frantic 'no' gestures behind James's back, and stifled a laugh.

James continued. "What that entails is that you have to first find a beautiful girl who has a creepy friend. Make sure you're positively certain that both the girl and the creep hate you. The most effective way to go about this is to insult them the first time you meet them."

Sirius elbowed Remus who looked at Lily who rolled her eyes and shook her head.

Meanwhile, James was really warming to his theme now. "Step Two- ask the girl out as offensively as possible. Try to make sure you seem like you're being extremely irresistible, which you will be."

All three of them started laughing. James shot them glares, changed his mind, kissed Lily on the cheek, and turned back to Harry.

Harry glanced nervously at his watch. He was really supposed to be meeting Voldemort right around now.

But James didn't seem to care about that. "After you've successfully been shot down by the love of your life, you must become bitter and immediately start making her creepy friend's life a living hell."

Sirius and Remus nodded at Harry behind James's back, making the thumbs up sign. Harry wondered what the hell that was about.

"While you are bullying her friend, make sure you continue to ask her out in the most creatively obnoxious ways you can possibly think of. Every time she says no you must become even more determined to get her to say yes."

Lily decided to jump in. "Yes, Harry. We're talking on the terms of what can be accurately described as _relentless stalking and harassment_," She said sarcastically. James smiled at her dreamily.

"Exactly right, love! Now, the next step in this very delicate process is that you have to make sure the girl you love is on the good side and that her creep friend is joining the Death Eaters or some other questionable Slytherin cult."

Nods from the others.

"Once you're quite sure that there's a way to split the girl up from being friends with her creepy friend, start planning a way to humiliate him in the worst way possible that manages not only to cause a falling out between girl and creep, but also succeeds in making the girl hate you even more."

Lily moved beside James and rested her head on his shoulder. James smiled down at her as they shared a loving look. Harry looked at Sirius and Remus, who looked just as confused as Harry as to why Lily was finding this irresistible.

"Then as soon as you're sure you're as hated as can be, that's when you move in for the kill, which would be cry in front of her and try to make yourself seem like a loving caring feeling actual human being."

Harry looked up at this one. "Really?" he asked incredulously.

James threw back his head and laughed, knocking his glasses slightly crooked in the process. "No!" He replied, snickering. "What you do then is you make absolutely certain that the falling out between girl and creep is irreparable. And _then _you make the final move."

Remus, Sirius, Lily and Harry all leaned in to hear what the final move was.

"That final move is: you meet your ultimate downfall. The most common one is, of course, growing up. The girl will realize your maturity and fall for you immediately."

They all sat back, slightly disappointed.

"That's it?" Harry asked, kind of put out.

James nodded, tightening his hold on Lily.

Sirius stepped in front of James. "Well, you could do all that, or you could just sleep with the girl's best friend. If you do that, you will end up with the girl instead of the best friend 100 percent of the time."

Everyone stared at Sirius in disbelief. "What?" he asked defensively. "It worked for me about 5 times!"

Everyone rolled their eyes. "So anyway, Harry," James said, "If you follow all those steps, you'll either end up making a complete bastard out of yourself and will end up with no friends and no girl, or you end up with all your friends _and _the girl! It's a win-win situation, really."

"How exactly is that a win-win situation?" Harry asked.

James shrugged. Lily rolled her eyes once more and stepped away from James.

"Come on, Harry," she said. "I'll walk you to the Death Eaters."

As they were walking, Lily turned to Harry. "Don't listen to your father, Harry. I clearly didn't marry him for his perception. Or tact."

Harry laughed. "He doesn't seem like he's right in the head."

Lily snorted. "Oh, he's completely unstable. But I love him anyway."

By this time, they had arrived at the battle sight. Harry turned to Lily, who suddenly had tears in her eyes.

"I love you Harry," She said. "Please be careful."

"I will, Mum. Don't worry about me."

"_I believe in you, Harry! Go kick some Death Eater ass!" _ Came James's helpful advice.

Lily sighed. "I never thought I'd see the day when I agreed with your father's advice, but make sure you do as he says."

Harry grinned, exchanged one last look with his mom, and turned to face Voldemort and his sidekicks.

Harry had some asses to kick. And after that, he had some girls to obnoxiously yet lovingly terrorize. He could hardly wait…


End file.
